Golden brown smoke drifting out of my mouth

Ööl, mil Jeesus Kristus sündis, pidavat inimesed oma patud lunastama ja olema muidu hea. Sellest sündmusest alates hakati arvama aega, mis kehtib ka meie kultuuris. Seega päris tähtis teine.
Minu öö vastu kahekümneviiendat detsembrit möödus tehes kõike muud kui lunastades oma patte. Tegelikult see öö kestab veel, aga patt on tehtud. Ma suitsetasin oma toa aknal, millel oli suvest sääsevõrk ette jäänud ja kõik toss läks ilusti kardinasse + mul ei olnud tuhatoosi ega selle asendajat, seega ma raputasin tuha aknalauale ja kustutasin sigareti poole pealt ära, surudes seda aknalauale ja arvake ära, mis seal praegu on ja mida sealt vist kunagi ära ei saa, megawin! Aga, positiivselt lähenedes, see oli ikka kuradi mõnus ja parim on lihtsalt suitsetada, kui the xx mängib. See muusika ongi suitsetamise jaoks tehtud. Aga, negatiivselt lähenedes, suits olevat tervisele kahjulik ja eriti neljateistaastastele tütarlastele, nemad ei tohtivat üldse teha sellist asja. Positiivselt lähenedes jällegi - eelmisel sajandil ei olnud mingeid piiranguid ega kahjulikkuse jama ning juba kaheteistaastastel võis jointi hambus näha. Kena generatsioon oli. Looming oli parim, inimesed ei surnud kopsuvähki, mille eest tänapäeval hoiatatakse. Kust ta nii järsku siis peaks tulema? Suits jääb suitsuks. Ma mõistan, et on rohkem uuritud seda asja ja avastatud igasuguseid halbu asju, aga ega sellepärast ei peaks seda nüüd täiesti ära kaotama. See on osa ajaloost, see on nostalgia. Kuidas sa saakski mitte suitsetada, kui kõik su iidolid, kui kõik su lemmikmuusikud on suitsetajad? Sa tahad olla nende moodi, tunda, mida nemad tundsid. Pealegi - kõik on mõistuses kinni niikuinii. Kui sa mõtled, et suits teeb sulle halba, ta teeb. Kui sa sellega oma pead ei vaeva ja naudid elu ja annad endast võimaliku parima, siis ega ta õnnelikku inimest ei häiri, inimest, kes on osa Maailma Hingest.

Jah, kell on 2:22 jõuluööl ja ma kirjutasin just arvamusloo suitsetamisest tänapäeval. 

Could it get higher than the sun?

School of whales sounds like... a piece of sun glimmering in the distance of my life.


The lead singer of the Arcade Fire, embarrased for not knowing his name, yells into my ear "and now i'm ready to start". Come by shuffle, shuffle-puffle-nuffle... it makes you tougher, unless you resist a truffle. But who would give a fuck since we all look like ducks with all the lacks of self confidence.

I've reached a decision.. no, two. First, it makes me bite my own head that MY ENGLISH SUCKS. IT SUCKS. I would like to use a few classy words, the kind of words i'd use in estonian, but no, i wanna write in english and i simply can't do it well. ..... pointless spell


DILETANTIDE AVANGARD


Yes.
I have a feeling like... well, u know a lot of "my people" are coming, so.. i wanna finally "meet" the "my people".
Yes.


Today i thought i have really found i guy i will crush FOREVER. ..
....
..
.
now i'm thinking that nothing's really gonna last forever.



that world is a bubble
.

O o

Take a walk on the wild side

Saturday morning, I wake up, I take a walk on the wild side, I take a walk to the library. I put on nothing but a bit of eyeliner, contacts under. Just a little blouse under a little coat, I feel cold, I feel like dying. I feel like dying and through the feeling I can feel what it really is like and how am I supposed to feel. I'm supposed to feel way more confident and arrogant. I was born to feel that way, not literally, but what I was born to demands the attitude. I do not know exactly what it is, what I was born to do, but I feel so much more... expected than all the others. I'm expected something significant. It could also be compared to Harry Potter and The Chosen One stuff. But just a comparison, nothing else. There are all the signs you know... they make me feel creepy but responsible for every little life and its well being in the world. I can't be god, I tell myself. God may exist, but it's not me. It's not my neighbour, it's not Obama and it also wasn't Freddie Mercury. God just... is. May be. But why don't I feel regular or normal like all the other teenagers do? Because I simply am not, I finally tell myself. I have a purpose, a task given. I keep on moving towards it. I keep on moving towards something I don't know. Well, that sounds like bullshit, 'cos we all keep on moving towards our future, no one of us knows what is it really going to be like. But, but, but... there's a but. People use to think that it's going to be normal, 'cos they feel it, they just know it. Born-grow-marry-die. Born-grow-beaslut-dieyoung. I'm going to be a fucking musician, I tell you niggas!!! A fucking filmmaker, for all you hearing me out there! A fucking fagfucker, fucking fags listening to me! The world is fucking fucked up, gonna take over some control, god there, hearing me... feel like gonna end some bullshit, gonna change something. Atm I don't even believe myself anymore, that epic feeling I had was many hours ago... sitting in a dark room all by myself listening to Led Zeppelin's ballads is creepy and REGULAR enough to make me feel again like... this is the bullshittiest shit, fellows. Been sitting here for hours, at some point I had a cup of tea, at some point I used the toilet... I remember what I told myself late yesterday evening. I said that I'm gonna make a plan 'cos I got a lot to do. Then I spent some time on the line that separates being asleep and being awake.. it was in the morning. After clambering out of the bed I didn't get a shit of this world. Felt like an alien. Ate something... rice and chicken with rosemary. Hours passed, still feeling like an outsider from an unknown place. And then I had that epic moment on the way or back from the library. Who am I supposed to thank for this? My beloved teacher, who expects us to read through William Golding's "Lord of the Flies". The main point why I left the house today after all. Funny, it's Saturday. I'm not attending any party, any meeting. I'm just sitting, looking ugly, writing into my blog. I would really like to watch a good movie tonight and eat some popcorn and sweeties as well. With my sis. Funny, 'cos I wanted the same thing a week ago. Couldn't get it then, hope I'll get it now. I really don't know why I want this, 'cos when the movie ends, I feel like crap, 'cos it's the time when everyone else is partying somewhere out there and I'm home with my sis and mom. OR everyone else IS NOT partying, they might feel the same. OR not. But why should I think about that? Oh no, I shouldn't and I don't. It' just that something bothers me inside and this is it, unconsciously. And i unconsciously intuited that the weekend is going to be another crap like yesterday already. That means that my Sunday is going to be on hell of a bullshit. Study, study... suffer from your minority. Study not hard enough and not achieve anything. Being depressed. Doubting in your abilities. Acknowledge the inequality of the world. This is what the consequence is going to be like. The consequence of the weekend. If I only knew what I wanted the most... who I wanted the most... isn't it just funny that right know I couldn't think what it was I wanted the most and then realised, oh food? God I'm pathetic. My brain is unique. It has an impressive memory, but it's more unorganized than anyone else's brain... I mean it. I don't act in time, don't remember things when I should, but I do randomly. That random time is wrong, it's way later. I'm a mess, fellows. And isn't it just funny that I didn't separate a single section of this text?

Do you want to know a secret?

Biitlid on ainus bänd, mille laule sa võid lihtsalt repeatil mitmeid kümneid kordi järjest kuulata. Queen on näiteks, vähemalt minu jaoks, biitlite täielik vastand mitte ainult stiililt, vaid laulude mõte, kulminatsioon.. Freddie võimas, tugev, harukordne hääl kõrvutatuna Lennoni ja McCartney muretute seksapiilsete nootide kõrval on midagi, mida sa kuulad korra ja sellest piisab niivõrd, et ta elab su sees igavesti edasi. Seevastu saab biitlitest täiel rinnal mõnu, kui Lennon ja McCartney sulle tund aega järjest kõrva karjuvad. Vastandid. Opposites attract. Meenus, et biitlid olid ka Freddie ühed lemmikumad.. funny.

Mis mul veel meenus, et ma pole jumal teab mis ajast saati mitte ühtegi pilti oma blogisse pannud!!! Mäletan, et 30.jaanuar (jah, mul on hea mälu...) oli vist see päev, kui ma "i love rock n' roll" postituse tegin ja Freddie'st pilte postitasin. I think it's time for a little nostalgia.










Running up that hill

That education hill ehk käisin karjääriseminaril ja saingi inspiratsiooni ning mu silmaring laienes veidi, just nii, nagu lootsin. Despite the fact that enamus juttu oli võimalik mingisugusegi ajuga inimestel nagu mina omagi peaga välja mõelda, leidus üks interesting point, mida ma ei teadnud - nimelt on (pmst) võimalik ka minusugusel 8th graderil lihtsalt ülikooli uksest tähtsa näoga sisse astuda ja loengutesse minna - mitte kedagi ei pidavat välja aetama. Pmst selles mõttes, et kui päriselt ka keegi mu klassikaaslastest läheks, kes alakas välja näeb ning keda ei päästa ei meik ega ka riided, siis minnakse kahtlustavaks. Aga kui mina, kontsadel ning pintsakus, loengusaali uksest sisse astun, ei pane keegi pahaks ja ilmselt arvatakse, et ju ma esimese kursuse tudeng olen, kes varem lihtsalt kohale jõudnud pole. Kontroll puudub - õppimine tolles akadeemilises aukartliku nimega asutuses on ju ennekõike vabatahtlik. Mina, õppida, muidugi, jaa! Selle aktsiooni mõte seisneb nagu ühel loengu läbiviijatestki selles, et lihtsalt leida see asi, mis on "see õige". Ta käis kaks aastat salaja loengutes kuni ühel päeval tal lihtsalt sähvatas, et vot, see ongi see, millega ma oma ülejäänud elus tegeleda tahan! Sel ajal oli ta muidugi veel gümnasist, aga pole mulle iial veel pakutud, et ma tegelikult ka alles põhikoolis käin... noh, siis kui vanust pakkuma hakati, siis kui olid need ajad, kes teab, see teab..

Anywho, november is almost over.. i guess it's the last day of the month. I have ALWAYS hated the month. The most darkest, coldest, muddiest month. Although this year it was quite good - snowing and snowing and snowing x snowing, so i fancied the stuff. But freaking cold... yeah. Anywho, it's december now (soon) and I love Christmas, dno why, i just do. I listened to Christmas' songs and lit some candles. Well, to be honest, i already listened to Christmas' songs in September... didn't light some candles though!!!

To be very honest, i already listened to Christmas' songs in the middle of the summer.....

...to be honest till the end, i have always been listening to Christmas' songs, throughout the year.


Ode to Christmas!

I am the walrus

Yes.
Viimasel ajal on olnud lust ja lillepidu kõik, ma olen back at age 5. See kõik on toimunud põhimõttel, et lapsepõlve on mul vaid kesised kolm ja natuke peale aastat jäänud, et siis parem naudin. Huvitav. Aga.. õppimisega on lood endiselt sitasti. Väga sitasti. Ma niisama ei räägiks. Aga noh.. nii on. Ja kuna ma Reaalis käin, siis ma lihtsalt pean õppima VÕI lihtsalt häid hindeid saama, aga nii geenius ma pole, et mitte midagi tehes viisi saada, sest kes meist oleks sündinud peas aastaarvud sõdade toimumisest või inglise-eesti sõnaraamat või perioodilisustabel, eks. Aga noh, ma ei tea. Kuidagi kahtlane tunne on ja värki. Homseks jälle kurguauguni õppida ja ma olen pea kaks tundi laua taga istunud ja mul on paar harjutust keemia tv-st tehtud, aga that's it. Neli teksti jutustada, geo töö jms on kõik õppimata. Ja mina veel pidin korralikuks hakkama... mida see üldse tähendab?

Hallo kas teil levi on w???

Levikas käivad asjad nii...
Istud.
Tuleb mingi kutt,võtab käest kinni,tirib tantsima.
Tantsid.
Tõmbab su nägu enda poole ja suudleb.
Amelete.
Siis lihtsalt naeratad ja jooksed ära(,,kaotad inimese ära,,).Ja ei küsi nime.Ja nii lihtsalt see käibki.


I love the Beatles

Teate ju kui ilusad ja "mul on elu" kisendavad postitused mul lately olnud on või vähemalt millalgi, õppeaasta alguses või nii. Aga pole iial head ilma halvata, ei iial. Mida parem asi on, seda halvemad kõrvalmõjud ja -nähtused. Nii läks ka seekord.
Ma olen nii alla käinud, et mul puudub keskendumisvõime totaalselt + üüratu laiskus, mis mu kontidesse üha sügavamale teed uuristab, ei lase mul end käsile võtta ja selle vastu ma kas võidelda ei suuda või ei VIITSI ja ma ei oska enam midagi muuta ega paremaks teha, ma olen tupikus, see on ummikseis. Ma tahan hakata korralikuks, aga mis värk on, et ma ei saa? Ma juba keelasin endale ära terve veerandi vältel alkoholi ja suitsetamise. Äkki aitab? Aga kuidas, siiani pole ju... lihtsalt mu õppetöö koolis ja... viied ei kuku enam taevast, nagu eelmine aasta. Või vähemalt mulle tundub nii? Et eelmine aasta kukkusid taevast? No kurat, vaevalt! Ma pidin ju ikkagi midagi tegema... aah right, nüüd meenub, kuidas ma õppisin endal viie saamise nimel ajud täiesti segi, kuidas ma täpselt aasta aega tagasi pingutasin nii, et sotsiaalset elu mul polnud, mitte mingit elu mul polnud, olid vaid mina ja õpikud, raisk. Aaaaaah riiiiiight, nüüd mul meenub, et just SELLE pärast ma ju tõotasingi endale õppeaasta alguses, et ma ei taha enam millegi taolise kordust, et ma tahan sõpru, et ma tahan elu. Sain. Sort of, but still. Mu elu muutuski ja päris vahva on olnud ja seiklused ja uued tutvused jne, aga milliseks ma kujunenud olen... niimoodi jätkates saaks minust mingi keskpärane miinimumpalgal ülekaaluline töllerdis. Ma olen kindel, et ma ei taha selliseks saada mitte eal. Ma teen kõike alla oma võimete praegu. Ma olen palju võimekam, ma tean seda. Ja seda teavad ka ema, õpetaja ning sõber. Aga kuidas neid võimeid nüüd rakendada, kuidas tõusta tuhast... decline and fall is what has happened to me as well, funny since i read a book titled the same about half a year ago... but nothing funny really, though. I'm a piece of crap if i carry on this way. Who wants to be a piece of crap? Nobody. Nobody wants to be a piece of crap. We all want to be beautiful, cool and smart. All at the same time. Some of us have got more potential than the others so they do not have to try so hard. Others try and try, they sweat hard for their destination and they finally reach it as well as some of us do, they just never have to sweat this hard to achieve the same. So they think it comes easy for them. Oh yeah it does yeah. IT does. But if you're some of us, you were not supposed to achieve IT, you were supposed to achieve THAT, you are expected different things.
I'm some of us. I totally responded their expectations a year ago, I was doing great. They naturally expected me to carry on the same way, I naturally understand. But for some reason they can't naturally understand that people change, especially in that specific time of life. They couldn't naturally understand that adolescents like me try to find their point of life, or, according to Paulo Coelho, their Personal Legend. That they wanna try and try and try and see what happens. That they actually do wanna change. It all takes time and energy, because we're still just humen. And I'm a little girl whose mom is yelling.

I'm going on

...to a place in the sun that's nice and warm





Vaba maja. Jälle. Huvitav, ma tahtsin teda siia täiega ja ta ütles mulle koguaeg, et ta kaalub seda, aga pmst ta siiski ei tule ja ma ei imesta ka, ma ka ei tuleks. Mida me teeks? Räägiks? Hahahhaha. Aga meil oli väga imelik talk a la "miks sa minuga ei seksiks" ja siis me põhjendasime ilusti ära, tähendab tema põhjendas ilusti, ma ütlesin, et ta on mulle vist pigem nagu vend, mille peale ta "iu" ütles... oh jah :D aaa, üks weird moment oli, kui ta ütles, et tal on pms'ist pohhui, (kui ma talle rääkisin mis see on, sest ta oli just öelnud, et tal on see.. :D) ja ma ütlesin, et tal on suht kõigest pohhui ja siis ta ei vastanud tükk aega ja ma lugesin, mis ta mulle ennem kirjutas ja kui ma lõppu tagasi jõudsin, oli ta kirjutanud "sinust pole". See hetk oli nagu mindfuck... aga meaning? imo, quite nothing or quite lot, but not that he would ever express this really... ja tal poleks mark, kui tal minusugune õde oleks ja he's okay with my age, too. lihtsalt ta arvab, et keegi ta sõpradest ei tuleks, sest ma olen "mingi faking kaheksandik", aga none of his friends really has to know my age, i told him.. weelll, he has no friends he said. who has... i told myself... but him, i said that i can be his friend if he wants to and he said thanks. : )

Pure vision

My life has taken on a new meaning. Sip, swallow and enjoy.

Make that balloon face and laugh afterwards

21st century is not about having those real-very-best friends, trusting them completely and being honest and sincere yourself too, no. That way you'll be lagged. I have been lagged for all of my life and now I'm done. 21st century is about reputation, having good looks and sense of humour. Even school lessons aren't given without sarcasm and irony, nothing is. But reputation... hell yeah. You don't have one, you do not exist. People must know you and you must know people. Nature can't stand an empty place.






I do nothing but realise, lose my path and realise losing my path.