Saturday morning, I wake up, I take a walk on the wild side, I take a walk to the library. I put on nothing but a bit of eyeliner, contacts under. Just a little blouse under a little coat, I feel cold, I feel like dying. I feel like dying and through the feeling I can feel what it really is like and how am I supposed to feel. I'm supposed to feel way more confident and arrogant. I was born to feel that way, not literally, but what I was born to demands the attitude. I do not know exactly what it is, what I was born to do, but I feel so much more... expected than all the others. I'm expected something significant. It could also be compared to Harry Potter and The Chosen One stuff. But just a comparison, nothing else. There are all the signs you know... they make me feel creepy but responsible for every little life and its well being in the world. I can't be god, I tell myself. God may exist, but it's not me. It's not my neighbour, it's not Obama and it also wasn't Freddie Mercury. God just... is. May be. But why don't I feel regular or normal like all the other teenagers do? Because I simply am not, I finally tell myself. I have a purpose, a task given. I keep on moving towards it. I keep on moving towards something I don't know. Well, that sounds like bullshit, 'cos we all keep on moving towards our future, no one of us knows what is it really going to be like. But, but, but... there's a but. People use to think that it's going to be normal, 'cos they feel it, they just know it. Born-grow-marry-die. Born-grow-beaslut-dieyoung. I'm going to be a fucking musician, I tell you niggas!!! A fucking filmmaker, for all you hearing me out there! A fucking fagfucker, fucking fags listening to me! The world is fucking fucked up, gonna take over some control, god there, hearing me... feel like gonna end some bullshit, gonna change something. Atm I don't even believe myself anymore, that epic feeling I had was many hours ago... sitting in a dark room all by myself listening to Led Zeppelin's ballads is creepy and REGULAR enough to make me feel again like... this is the bullshittiest shit, fellows. Been sitting here for hours, at some point I had a cup of tea, at some point I used the toilet... I remember what I told myself late yesterday evening. I said that I'm gonna make a plan 'cos I got a lot to do. Then I spent some time on the line that separates being asleep and being awake.. it was in the morning. After clambering out of the bed I didn't get a shit of this world. Felt like an alien. Ate something... rice and chicken with rosemary. Hours passed, still feeling like an outsider from an unknown place. And then I had that epic moment on the way or back from the library. Who am I supposed to thank for this? My beloved teacher, who expects us to read through William Golding's "Lord of the Flies". The main point why I left the house today after all. Funny, it's Saturday. I'm not attending any party, any meeting. I'm just sitting, looking ugly, writing into my blog. I would really like to watch a good movie tonight and eat some popcorn and sweeties as well. With my sis. Funny, 'cos I wanted the same thing a week ago. Couldn't get it then, hope I'll get it now. I really don't know why I want this, 'cos when the movie ends, I feel like crap, 'cos it's the time when everyone else is partying somewhere out there and I'm home with my sis and mom. OR everyone else IS NOT partying, they might feel the same. OR not. But why should I think about that? Oh no, I shouldn't and I don't. It' just that something bothers me inside and this is it, unconsciously. And i unconsciously intuited that the weekend is going to be another crap like yesterday already. That means that my Sunday is going to be on hell of a bullshit. Study, study... suffer from your minority. Study not hard enough and not achieve anything. Being depressed. Doubting in your abilities. Acknowledge the inequality of the world. This is what the consequence is going to be like. The consequence of the weekend. If I only knew what I wanted the most... who I wanted the most... isn't it just funny that right know I couldn't think what it was I wanted the most and then realised, oh food? God I'm pathetic. My brain is unique. It has an impressive memory, but it's more unorganized than anyone else's brain... I mean it. I don't act in time, don't remember things when I should, but I do randomly. That random time is wrong, it's way later. I'm a mess, fellows. And isn't it just funny that I didn't separate a single section of this text?
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